Death By Broken Heart
by SpeakBraevery
Summary: He must have been crazy to think that he could have ever been happy.


**So, this is just something I wrote to help me get over my writer's block a while back. It's short, and probably awful, but I figured I'd post it anyway. **

Thinking back on it, James could safely say that everything that had happened had been his fault. He'd never been as smart as his friends, or as kind and giving. He was consumed by his self-interest, and all of this, the long days spent alone, the regret, lead back to that vanity. It was the cause of all the heartache and sorrow, and really, all James had ever wanted was to be happy. If he was good-looking, perfect, then his life would be set. He would be famous, happy, and he'd never have to worry for another second about his future. Of course, falling in love had never been part of the plan.

And falling in love with Logan Mitchel was out of his control. The chocolate-eyed boy was everything James had never dreamed of wanting, and he was everything James realized he needed. Logan was smart, selfless, and beautiful. He was like a ray of sun leading the way to all things good. He was an angel sent from heaven to make James's life wonderful. But he was also one of the hazel-eyed boy's best friends, and loving Logan seemed so forbidden. Besides, Logan didn't love him, not like that, and James would have spent the rest of his life chasing after him if he hadn't gotten away. Sure, being on your own was a dark, dangerous thing, but the loneliness was bearable compared to the heartbreak. The pain was worth it.

He didn't plan on ever seeing Logan again, or any of his friends for that matter. It must have been fate, the way the young genius stumbled to his door during one of the worst blizzards in Minnesota history. All awkwardness melted away when James took in his friend's snow-covered hair, the frozen tear tracks on his cheeks. Everything seemed to fit when they were together, like dozens of puzzle pieces, and their hearts beat as one, a warm, steady rhythm. James kissed him, right then and there in his kitchen, steam slowly rising from mugs of hot chocolate, the windows covered in snow, and Logan kissed back, and it was magical. But then Logan stopped, pulled away, couldn't get out of that room fast enough. James watched him go, eyes stinging with unshed tears, and there was a bitterness in his chest, because this was the way it had always been, would always be. He'd love Logan everyday for the rest of his life, and he'd die a little every day, until all that was left were the tears and the wishes, and the knowledge that he would never be enough for that amazing boy.

James does not know where Logan went after that. All he knows is that he never made it to his destination, the blizzard too much for him, and that he died with tears running down his cheeks. And James was filled with new-found guilt, and that guilt mixed with the grief and created a terrible mixture of self-hatred and pity. He wanted to die. More than anything, he wanted to leave this life and finally find peace, but Logan was there, wherever there was, and he was absolutely terrified of seeing him again. So, he was stuck here in this life, hating each day, yet hoping the day would never come when he would have to face Logan once again. All he'd ever wanted was to be happy, and here he was, all alone. He just wanted to _live_. Was that really too much to ask for?

Fate was cruel. Kendall and Carlos had attempted several times to reunite with James, and finally they were successful. The hazel-eyed boy was so lonely, so depressed, but they helped him see the light again, and then they were gone, torn from this life in a car crash, and James was once again alone. He was destined to be forever alone and unhappy. God must hate him, for every day was a living hell, every night an excuse for all his nightmares to eat away at him. He must have been crazy to think that he could have ever been happy.

But happiness is most often found when least expected, as he'd learned. Visiting Logan's grave was a huge risk, seeing as it brought back so many memories, both good and bad. But as James sets down a steaming mug of hot chocolate and settles himself on the ground, back against the headstone, he feels nothing but peace. Logan may be dead, has been dead for years, but being here, as close to him as possible considering the circumstances, brings a sense of calm and serenity over James. This is right, he knows it, and he thinks about death and how one goes about dying, and he can't think of a place where he'd rather die. Right here, with Logan below him and his other two best friends on either side, is where he wants to die and where he closes his eyes, the bitter cold making his fingers and toes go numb. He realizes how stupid he was to leave his friends. He's not happy without them, never feels this safe and comforted. He knows they're up there waiting for him, and he's ready to go. He's dying, anyway, has been dying little by little since the day he realized Logan would never love him back. One last time, he opens his eyes and gazes at the world before him, snow softly falling down, the sky a pale grey, and he sees how beautiful it all is, how intricate everything pieces together, and he let out a long sigh. He's missed out on a lot, has wasted most of his life, but it doesn't matter anymore, because soon he'll no longer be alone. Soon he'll be able to hold his friends tight and apologize and be whole again. It's going to be perfect. His eyes close for the last time, a small smile gracing his lips, and he knows he's ready, knows there's nothing he wants more than to join them, his friends. He may not be perfect, may not have any dreams left to dream, but all he's wanted was to be happy, anyway. And he's happy where he's loved, and he's loved by them, all three of them, and he knows that finally, it will be enough.


End file.
